Insecurity… I know it well. When I first started dating after my divorce guys kept telling me the same thing: “you are very insecure.” Um, excuse me? I was the best looking I had ever been, I was at the top of my career, I was fully independent and sufficient, funny and intelligent…I never spoke about my past or fears.. what on earth did they mean I was insecure?! I mean yeah, I was heart broken, devastated, confused and angry but that wasn’t supposed to show. Was it all really that obvious? Through that repeated embarrassment I learned an important lesson.
Insecurity is dangerous. Its not just inconvenient or sad… its actually a threat to your well being. Why? Because it defines all of your expectations. The expectations you hold towards yourself, how you should be treated by others; expectations of acceptable failures or limits to your success. The truth was I was terribly insecure but believed I had it perfectly masked. It became visible to the men I dated because of the behavior I was willing to accept from them. Typically insecurity is a result of painful or even traumatic experiences in a persons life. Dealing with them requires sensitivity and consideration. I account for that. However, I ascribe to a different perspective than most. One that may seem harsh on the surface but is rooted in compassionate love. I desire to see people truly whole, healthy and happy. If it takes a bit of tough love to get there I am OK with that.
As an adult (especially a wife or parent) its your responsibility to deal with your issues. You must identify the areas inside yourself that are negatively impacting your happiness and remove them. This process is not easy. But that doesn’t make it go away. That doesn’t make it any less important or less mandatory. You need to love yourself enough to understand this has to be done. You don’t have to live another day as a victim of your past. You don’t have to be a victim at all!
When you carry insecurities into love you are likely to get unnecessarily hurt because your judgement is skewed. When you carry insecurities into your career you may settle for spending to many years doing work that doesn’t fulfill you because your passion is neglected. When you carry insecurities into parenting you risk suffocating your child’s individuality to satiate your own fears or unmet expectations. This is dangerous. When you face your issues you neutralize their effect on you. The tendency is to live in fear and avoid them as long as possible. But as long as your afraid of them, you empower them.
Self pity is what happens when someone is upset about the RESULT of an issue they have failed to deal with in their life. You may want to read that twice. Its a formula. I got so sick of being disappointed (result) by every interaction I had with a guy that I chose to change something (facing my hurt and shame).
I encourage you, if you do not enjoy the results of your insecurities anymore, find the courage and strength to deal with them. It will be hard but you are so much stronger than you know.